Scott Linden Outdoors

(First in a series, if nobody takes too much offense!)

I get thousands of questions every year from viewers of my TV show. I try to provide helpful answers to all of them … on the show, in messages and emails, and on Facebook, where fans usually have much better responses than mine!

But some questions are just too tempting to let languish as written, let alone put to rest with good advice or an insightful comment. They are sincere and earnest, but for some reason they’re crying out for an insincere answer … if you take them with a grain of salt, tweak a word or two, or just have the right (or wrong) attitude. To those whose (altered) questions are answered below, thank you for your kindness – you are the Dean Martin to my Jerry Lewis. Don’t we all need a few more laughs in our lives?

Oh, and kids: don’t try any of this at home. Don’t let your parents try, either.

Q: For someone who is starting out with his first hunting dog, what can I expect to go wrong? Thanks, Clew Liss.

A: The editor says there are not enough bits or bytes here to answer your question in this blog. Please purchase my new 1,438-page book on the topic. Here is some advice from Chapter 367, “Minor adjustments to your lifestyle”:

Invest in a GPS collar – it’s good insurance should your spouse decide to leave you as she’ll be much easier to find. Practice sleeping on the couch. Don’t worry about other hobbies, non-hunting friends and relatives, as the laws of physics and the space-time continuum will eliminate any free time you had pre-puppy.

And from Chapter 762, “Economizing with your new dog”: buy paper towels by the truckload, but forego expensive chew toys as the leg of your wife’s heirloom Louis XIV armoire is already paid for. Go to veterinary school. Dog food is an expensive luxury as long as you leave the door to the walk-in pantry open.

Q: What is the best method to convince your children to not undo your dog’s training? Signed, Bigmis Take.

A: I would build outside kennels. While it may get cold and wet, they’ll get used to it, and the whining and yelping should cease fairly quickly. In the long run you’ll have fewer behavioral problems. Supply plenty of fresh water, offer some indoor time to socialize, and take your dog out periodically to visit them.